


how you want me to

by mechuri



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Office, Angst with a Happy Ending, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Non-Traditional Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-08-03 17:28:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16330436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mechuri/pseuds/mechuri
Summary: jaehyun is what alphas are supposed to be: he’s tall, he’s strong, he’s loud and confident and handsome and his peers flock to him.jaehyun is not what alphas are supposed to be: he’s never been drawn to the omegas in his class like the other alphas were, never understood the supposed allure of the scent, never wanted an omega the way the adults in his life always said he should.





	how you want me to

**Author's Note:**

> title from bite the hand by boygenius

he should have just told them all of it at once. he regrets it now. it would have been easier, like ripping off a plaster.

he had sat his parents down and told them he liked men and only men. he’d been ready - it had been on the tip of his tongue - to tell them he only likes alphas, too, except he had chanced a look at his mother’s face and felt the disappointment pouring from her like smoke from a fire.

“as long as they’re male omegas, honey,” she had said, grimacing as she did so, and jaehyun had never wanted to disappear until that moment.

his father had stayed silent until the next day, pulling jaehyun aside to say, “it’s a phase, son. you’ll get over it.”

 

~

 

jaehyun is what alphas are supposed to be: he’s tall, he’s strong, he’s loud and confident and handsome and his peers flock to him.

jaehyun is not what alphas are supposed to be: he’s never been drawn to the omegas in his class like the other alphas were, never understood the supposed allure of the scent, never wanted an omega the way the adults in his life always said he should.

despite his physicality jaehyun is soft, a little too trusting and too quick to get close to his alpha friends. he remembers the expression his mother had worn the first time she had seen him holding the hand of an alpha boy as they walked home together from school. he remembers when that same alpha boy had spat at him mere weeks later, saying, “you act like an omega.” he remembers how the rest of the alpha boys in his year had been wary of him after that.

it's not like he hasn't tried - jaehyun has spent so many hours trying to understand why he should like omegas, trying to understand what's supposed to be so attractive about them, trying to understand what's so wrong with preferring the scent of an alpha - but he's never been successful.

 

~

 

you don't get to the position jaehyun is in without hiding things like this. he flirts with omegas and stares alphas down like it doesn't make him feel like an imposter, and only when everyone else in the office leaves does he let himself breathe out.

slumped in his chair - so unlike the rigid posture he keeps from 9am every morning - jaehyun looks over the papers spread out in front of him. johnny had dropped them off for him earlier and it's only now, hours after he should have gone home, that he has time for them.

as much as he knows he needs a new assistant as soon as possible, and as much as he knows it would help for him to have at least read over their CVs before he meets them tomorrow, all he wants is to go to sleep.

he swears he'll check them in the morning before the interview.

 

"jaehyun, what the fuck?" johnny hisses when jaehyun comes skidding around the corner, sticking his hand out to stop the elevator doors from shutting before jaehyun can make it in. "you're only just getting here?"

jaehyun considers lying. he glances down at his suit (crumpled), runs a hand through his hair (unwashed), and tries to slow his breath (frantic).

"uh... yeah."

"why?!" johnny asks, sounding more exasperated by the second. "the first interviewee is already here and you look like shit."

sighing, jaehyun says, "well, if they get hired they'll have to get used to that, right?"

it isn't really his fault. his train was delayed - everyone is always telling him to buy a car but jaehyun never will - and he had missed his stop for a reason he will never admit to johnny, nor anyone else.

the train is busy in the mornings anyway, but when it's late it gets packed in a way that makes jaehyun wish he never had to leave the house. he's standing up with a hand on the side of a seat lest he fall into someone's lap when he catches an unfamiliar scent. it’s not surprising given the sheer amount of people within even just three feet of him, but the smell is sharp and strong and he breathes it in without thinking.

"sorry, is that me?" someone says from behind jaehyun, and he turns to see an omega, a student by the looks of, it in a suit, clutching his backpack to his chest and looking at jaehyun.

"pardon?" jaehyun says, confused and still sleep-groggy.

"um, the smell. you were sniffing. i think it's me?" the man says the last part like it's a question, face scrunched up. "i know some alphas really don't like the scent of others so... i don't know. sorry."

he blushes, looking away, hands clenching his backpack like he wants to hide behind it. jaehyun is thinking about how cute that is when, like a slap in the face, he gets it and blurts out, "you're an alpha?"

most of jaehyun's mornings don't involve insulting people on public transport. this is, thankfully, a one-time occurrence for him.

the man blushes harder, but this time it seems more from anger than awkwardness.

"shit, i'm sorry," jaehyun rushes to apologise, wondering how he ever made it to CFO when he gets into situations like this.

"i get it," the man says, turning away to look out the window. "i don't exactly look the part."

jaehyun can hear the underlying resignation in the man's voice, and shudders to think of how many times he must have had this exact conversation.

"i really am sorry," jaehyun tries again, quieter this time as he's fully aware of how many people can hear them. "i didn't mean-"

"shit, this is my stop," the man says, eyes going wide and he scrambles to put his backpack on and squeeze his way through the crowd to the door. "bye, asshole!"

jaehyun is still reeling over being insulted quite loudly on his work commute when he catches sight of a familiar building through the window, and it's only then that he realises that that was his stop, too.

 

because life is never that simple, because jaehyun has no luck whatsoever, because the universe has it out for him today, the first interviewee is the man who had, not twenty minutes earlier, called jaehyun an asshole.

he's sitting in a chair outside jaehyun's office with his hands in his lap, staring at his feet. the backpack is mysteriously absent, and without it he looks taller and broader and more confident.

jaehyun takes a deep breath, stands up as straight as he can, and walks over to introduce himself.

"hello," he starts, and almost falters when the man looks over at him and immediately goes bright red. "jung jaehyun. CFO."

"nice to meet you," the man says as though on autopilot, shaking jaehyun's hand and looking absolutely mortified. "lee mark."

jaehyun has forgotten how long it's appropriate to shake someone's hand for and is more grateful than he has ever been for johnny when he steps in to greet mark, too.

"shall we go in?" johnny says with a pointed look at jaehyun. jaehyun almost trips on his way to his seat and hopes that johnny is prepared to lead the interview alone.

mark seems qualified: he's a recent graduate, has work experience, is polite and smart and what he seems to lack in speaking skills he more than makes up for in mathematics. he answers everything johnny asks easily, albeit with a bit of a stutter, and even though he's doing this for the money (because, really, what twenty two year old isn't?) he seems like he'd put genuine effort into his job.

jaehyun likes him. jaehyun has not said a word since the interview began, but he likes him.

zoned out, jaehyun only really realises the interview is over when mark and johnny both stand up and he rushes to do the same, shaking mark's hand belatedly and thanking him.

"he seems-" johnny starts, but jaehyun interrupts him, saying, "i need- water. one minute," and speed walking out of the room.

mark is waiting for the elevator when jaehyun slips out into the corridor - the backpack has returned and it makes him look a billion times more like a student - and jaehyun blurts out, "excuse me."

the face mark makes looks pained, but jaehyun continues anyway, "i'm really sorry. johnny is HR; if you want to report me just talk to him, and-"

"wait, what?" mark says, looking bemused. "i'm not going to report you, sir."

"that's up to you," jaehyun stresses, trying to make it clear that it's mark's decision. "i just wanted you to know that what happened this morning won't have any effect on whether or not we hire you."

mark stares at jaehyun blankly, then says, "sir, i called you an asshole."

"yes, i do remember," jaehyun says, wincing. "i apologise."

"no, what i mean is that i called you an asshole," mark says again. jaehyun wishes he would stop repeating it. "so why would i report you?"

"because i was rude and disrespectful," jaehyun says slowly. "i don't hold it against you for reacting to that. you did nothing wrong."

"um. okay," mark says, looking like he still kind of wants to argue. "thank you, sir."

 

when the interviews are over jaehyun is exhausted, and he didn't even do anything. johnny had given up on trying to get him to participate after the fourth, and it's only now that they're done that he wants jaehyun's help again.

"i know this might sound crazy," johnny is saying, shuffling stacks of paper around and rearranging them incessantly. "but i think the first candidate was the best."

this, jaehyun wasn't expecting, and he stammers, "really?"

"did you not like him?" johnny asks.

"no, it's not that. there are just... more experienced people."

johnny looks at him with an eyebrow raised. "don't you think he deserves the experience?"

groaning, jaehyun says, "you know that's not what i mean."

his whining makes johnny crack a smile, and he leans over to ruffle jaehyun's hair.

"i'll call him tomorrow," johnny says. jaehyun plants his face on his desk and throws his thumbs up.

 

~

 

jaehyun had known why johnny chose mark at the time, anyway, but it becomes doubly obvious once he starts work.

he's good at it.

he's good at every aspect of the job, effortlessly handling everything jaehyun gives him. admittedly, he does hold back at first; he's been without an assistant for weeks and the one he had before was less than competent. despite this, within a week jaehyun finds himself trusting that mark will help if he asks for it.

not sure how to thank him (because, yes, it's been only a week but mark has helped enough that jaehyun is home by 8pm on friday, which never happens) jaehyun brings mark a coffee from the cafe a minute down the road. it's far better than what he can get from the coffee machine at work, and after mark gasps and grins at jaehyun he decides he'll make it part of his routine.

 

a week or so after that, jaehyun is walking out of the station to buy their coffees when he sees mark a few stairs ahead of him, backpack ever-present and awkward grimace on his face as he almost gets knocked down by a pushy woman with a suitcase on wheels.

speeding up a little until he pulls even, jaehyun says, "hey, mark," and smiles when mark stumbles and turns in surprise. "we, uh. we get the same train, don't we?"

mark only says, "yes, we do, sir," and it takes jaehyun a second to realise that the reason mark is biting his lip to stifle a laugh is that he's been well-aware of this since their very first meeting.

jaehyun thinks about mark's scent, thinks about how he must be using blockers because jaehyun can only just pick up on it and wonders if it's because of jaehyun that he's doing that, and says stupidly, "i never see you, though."

shrugging, mark says, "unlucky, i guess."

jaehyun thinks about that for the rest of the day.

 

knowing that mark is an alpha doesn't make him look any less like an omega, jaehyun won't argue that. he's got big eyes and a small mouth, sharp cheekbones but he blushes easily, and he's not short but he isn't exactly tall, either. he's kind, and friendly, and comfortable to be around, although jaehyun has never really believed in gender roles, anyway. there are some things about him, though, that scream alpha. the way he holds himself, the way he looks jaehyun in the eye without faltering, the way he treats the omegas and betas in the office, even just the way he sits-

"what are you looking at, sir?" mark asks, resting his face in his hand and looking at jaehyun over the top of his laptop.

"nothing!" jaehyun flails, almost knocking over his glass of water.

the knowing look mark sends him makes jaehyun want to tear his eyes away but he can't, not until mark does first; they're both alphas but jaehyun is mark's boss, and he's relieved when mark submits.

he's barely taken a breath when mark says, though without looking up, "you're leaving by five today, by the way."

jaehyun doesn't miss that mark had omitted the "sir", but doesn't call him out on it, only asking, "why?"

"because you go home too late, and you don't sleep enough."

if it were anyone else - if it were johnny, or sooyoung, or yoobin, or anyone - jaehyun would have laughed it off and forgotten about it, but it's mark, his assistant, who holds no power over jaehyun but who is using his alpha voice and it makes jaehyun lose all feeling in his legs.

"okay," he agrees, because he doesn't think he even wants to fight back.

mark smiles at him.

 

~

 

spending hours in the same office as mark everyday has desensitised jaehyun to his scent - or, at least, that's what he thinks until he steps onto the train one morning and it hits him in the face like a wall. he doesn't realise he's frozen blocking the entryway until someone tries to squeeze past him, and he hastens to find a seat. walking down the aisle, he's confused as to why no one else seems to be bothered by mark's scent, and then he sees mark slumped against the window, backpack in the seat next to him, and thinks that maybe it's only jaehyun it smells so strong to. he's in the front carriage, the one he usually bypasses in favour of the third, less busy one, and he had walked past two empty seats to end up standing right in front of mark.

before jaehyun can block up the aisle, too, mark opens his eyes and says, "hi, mr. jung," slinging his backpack down from the seat to between his legs.

jaehyun sits down, and tries to breath through his mouth.

"it's weird to hear you call me that," jaehyun admits, because it's the first time mark has and it's even weirder to hear outside work.

mark snorts, and says, "sir, then?"

"you know, you could just call me jaehyun. when we aren't at work, i mean," jaehyun says, knowing how it comes across even as he does so.

looking at him sideways, mark says, "sounds a bit unprofessional, sir," and if that really is a smirk playing at the corner of his mouth jaehyun might have to run away.

CFO at twenty four, jaehyun has plenty of business knowledge and not enough tact because he says, "more or less unprofessional than turning up hungover?"

it isn't an unfounded accusation: mark has dark circles, a concealer-covered pimple on his chin and, most tellingly, no scent blockers on.

it's hard to tell whether he should be thankful or not that mark's reaction to that quip is to laugh. in the end, jaehyun goes with definitely thankful, because he's never seen mark laugh like that before.

"definitely more unprofessional," mark says, still grinning. "sir."

it's pathetic, really. pathetic that jaehyun has joked with him and bought him coffee almost every day for more than a month and asked him to call him by his first name and yet he wants more. pathetic that jaehyun wants to ask _why_ mark being hungover means no scent blockers. pathetic that jaehyun wants to ask why he wears them the rest of the time, anyway. pathetic that jaehyun is his boss and mark is his employee and that jaehyun is an alpha and mark is an alpha.

 

it happens without either of them saying anything. jaehyun will get on the train's first carriage, knowing that mark will have saved a seat for him, and they will sit together for thirty minutes before the work day even begins.

jaehyun really doesn't know why mark keeps doing it - jaehyun isn't exactly eager to commute with the CEO - but every time mark spots him he sends jaehyun the same smile as when jaehyun brings him a coffee or tells him he's had a good idea and jaehyun doesn't have it in him to walk away.

 

~

 

it's not the best job, but the money is so good that mark can't complain. it was this or mcdonald's night shift, after all.

he files and calls and schedules and organises and proofreads and plans and copies and files some more, and it drains the life from his body but now he can afford to eat three meals a day and pays his rent on time, and he thinks he can stick it out for that.

he'd be doing the same work for any CFO around the world. the fact that his boss is jaehyun, though, does make it a little more bearable. jaehyun is nice, and forgiving, and so stressed out that mark genuinely wants to help him, even if just by attempting to enforce a sensible bedtime.

at the same time, his boss being jaehyun makes everything about his job near impossible. jaehyun looks like the man of mark's dreams (he shudders after thinking it, but can't come up with any other way to put it): he has the face and the body and the smile and the laugh of someone mark thinks he could fall in love with, and yet is unmistakably an alpha.

it would be easy if mark just thought jaehyun was handsome. he could ignore it if it was that. it would be the same as when he thinks renjun looks nice.

mark falls asleep thinking about how jaehyun smells, how comforting his presence is even when he's in a bad mood, half-hoping that tomorrow will be the day jaehyun takes pity on mark and uses scent-masking products (half being thankful for jaehyun never deigning to use anything of the sort). he wakes up thinking about if jaehyun will have styled his hair today or not, and spends his paycheck on a suit that actually fits properly.

he hates himself for it, so he agrees to a date with one of donghyuck's friends.

yukhei is lovely, loud and funny and mark's cheeks hurt from laughing so much, and he can sense the second jaehyun walks into the bar.

"are you okay?" yukhei asks, reaching one hand out across the table to touch mark's.

he uses them at work because he's a junior employee, masks his scent because it's more proper for an alpha in a lower position to do so, because he doesn't want jaehyun to be able to smell when mark is being a creep and enjoying being around jaehyun as much as he does.

he isn't using them now because he's on a date, and yukhei is a beta but even he seems to have picked up on the change in mark's pheromones.

"yeah! yeah, i'm good," mark says, embarrassed that jaehyun's presence was enough to make him zone out and ignore yukhei. "sorry, my boss just came in."

yukhei's eyes light up and he turns in his chair to peer at the bar. "which one is he?"

"he's, uh," mark looks over reluctantly, and swears. "he's the guy looking right at us."

whistling, yukhei says, "he's hot. no offence."

"you're on a date with me right now!" mark says somewhat shakily, grateful that yukhei ignores it and laughs good-naturedly.

"you're hot, too, you know," yukhei says as soon as he turns to face mark properly again, and comparing mark with his boss seems like a strange way to flirt.

"and you," mark says, but it comes out awkward and stilted and doesn't sound genuine at all. "look, this is... weird. i'm sorry."

yukhei looks at mark, confused, and tries, "we can go somewhere else if you want? i don't mind. you could come back to-"

mark has manners, and he does like yukhei, except he interrupts and says, "no, i can't. i'm really sorry. i'm- i'm gonna go home, actually."

before yukhei can protest, mark is grabbing his coat from the back of his chair and walking towards the exit, keeping his head down so that he doesn't have to meet jaehyun's eyes, because he knows if he were to look up that jaehyun would already be looking at him.

 

the next day, mark has multiple texts from donghyuck asking why he ditched yukhei. mark can’t think of how to put into words the fact that seeing jaehyun, knowing jaehyun saw him on a date, made him feel nauseous.

he settles for, “i felt sick. tell yukhei im sorry again,” and gets the earlier train.

 

~

 

jaehyun tries only once to find out why mark is never on the train anymore. he asks, as casually as he can, and mark says, "i have work i need to get done, sir."

it feels patronising, like mark is lying, but jaehyun can't think of why he would be so he leaves it.

if it were just the train, jaehyun could write it off as nothing, but it's everything. mark still does his work perfectly, acts no differently towards jaehyun around other people, causes no issues with anything. he's just distant, now. it feels silly because jaehyun can't even pinpoint what's changed, but he knows something has. he considers switching to the earlier train for a second before shuddering at how invasive it would be to do that to someone who clearly doesn’t want to see him.

instead, he talks to johnny about it.

"he doesn't get the train with you - which, by the way, isn't necessary - so you're talking to HR?" johnny says incredulously, sat across from jaehyun in a cafe he recommended for lunch.

"no, it's not just that," jaehyun says. "he's being weird overall, but only around me."

johnny shrugs as though jaehyun is making no sense, and jaehyun groans.

"i'm telling you because i'm worried, okay?" he admits, hoping johnny won't tease him for it. "if it's just around me then maybe i did something wrong."

"like what?"

sighing, jaehyun says, "i really don't know. i don't think he'd report it, though, so i thought you could check on him."

"check on him how?" johnny asks, though he looks more invested in his food than he is in jaehyun's predicament.

"ask him if he's okay. i don't know. this is your job," jaehyun stresses. "just don't tell him i told you to do it."

 

"like, with all due respect, sir, what the fuck?"

jaehyun has just walked into his office, cheeks red from the cold with two coffee cups in his hands, and was expecting pretty much any greeting other than that.

"i think if you're going to swear at me, the 'sir' becomes defunct," jaehyun says, utterly bemused, putting mark's drink down on his desk before it burns his fingers off.

mark glares at him, and hisses, "i don't care, sir. why did i get called to an 'informal meeting' with johnny seo?"

jaehyun blinks. "to be honest, i thought he'd be more subtle than that."

"so it was you!" mark says, disbelieving. "if you have a problem with me, tell me. don't- don't go and talk shit about me to HR. what did i even do-"

"wait a second," jaehyun has to interrupt. "i don't have a problem with you. i asked him to make sure you were alright."

mark stares, silent, mouth hanging open before he stutters, "but i- what? why?"

he had been standing up when jaehyun entered but he sinks back down into his chair and looks at jaehyun properly for the first time in a fortnight.

saying it to mark's face is embarrassing. "i thought you were avoiding me. i thought i had done something that made you uncomfortable."

"no!" mark exclaims. "no, you didn't do anything. it's me. i'm sorry."

"what do you mean, it's you?" jaehyun asks. " _are_ you avoiding me?"

"i mean, like, yeah," mumbling, mark rubs at the back of his neck and stares at his feet. "but not because you did anything, i swear."

he had had his suspicions, but hearing mark admit to it makes his stomach drop and his face feel hot with shame.

"can i do anything to fix it?"

"no. it's- i've just got some things going on right now."

jaehyun needs to leave it before he really does make mark want to quit. he needs to let it go and keep his distance and stop worrying about what it means when mark does or doesn't talk to him.

"what things?" jaehyun hears himself ask. "because it sounds like you're just trying to be nice, but if i did something you really should-"

"do you look at me the way you do because i act like an omega?" mark spits out, words running together in his haste, and he flushes the second they're out looking like he's never regretted a sentence more.

jaehyun wishes he could have a drink, could really do with some liquid courage, but has to settle for taking a deep breath and saying honestly, "you don't act like an omega."

the statement is true, even if it does avoid the question.

snorting, mark says, "don't lie. you thought i was an omega the second you saw me."

his words are confident while his hands twist together in his lap.

"you kind of look like an omega," jaehyun concedes. "but you don't act like it at all."

"what a compliment," mark says under his breath, and his voice trembles.

jaehyun thinks about how many times mark must have been assumed to be something he isn't. it can't feel good. it's the kind of thing that takes a toll on you, he supposes. mark sits in front of him, hunched over and angry and upset, and jaehyun has to fix it.

"you don't act like an omega," he insists, words firm but soft. "you- you’re an alpha, so everything you do is what an alpha does."

"oh," mark says like it was pushed from his lungs.

"it doesn't matter what you look like. alpha's don't have to look or act or be a certain way. there's no... there's no wrong way to be, okay?"

jaehyun feels beyond stupid after saying all that, and he would want to take it back if not for the way mark says, almost too quietly, "okay."

 

it's hard to tell whether their conversation made anything better or worse. jaehyun feels awkward around mark now, knowing that something had to have happened to have caused the entire situation but still not knowing what.

mark goes back to getting the train with jaehyun, though, and he smiles and laughs like he used to, and in the face of that it's hard to be pessimistic.

 

"sir, are you going home before the party and coming back, or staying?" mark asks as he walks into the room, arms full of what seems to be about a dozen ring binders.

jaehyun takes a second to be impressed by mark's balancing before he says, quite succinctly, "what party?"

mark sighs, and points to the decorations he has on his desk and around his computer.

and, oh. right. "the christmas party is tonight?"

not deeming that worthy of confirmation, mark just says, "i'm leaving at five to change and eat."

"that's fine," jaehyun says. he's about to say what he's always said, that he'll stay in his office until he's satisfied with how much work he's gotten out of the way and will then join the party after out of obligation, but he stops himself. "i'll do the same."

mark was clearly not expecting that as he freezes and looks at jaehyun first in shock, then amusement. "you, leaving at five? that's unheard of, sir."

laughing, jaehyun says, "there's a first time for everything."

 

for some reason, jaehyun is surprised when he gets back on the train at six minutes past seven and sees mark beckoning him over. the train is empty, far from how it is when they get it in the mornings, but mark had still saved jaehyun a seat and jaehyun sits in it.

mark must have showered: his hair is damp at the ends (jaehyun wants to scold him for leaving the house like that in such cold weather), and he smells like coconut shower gel and himself.

“no scent blockers?” jaehyun asks, curiosity overriding every ounce of common sense he has. he wants to hit himself for saying it but gets distracted by how quickly mark turns red, blushing from his ears right down to the roll of his turtleneck.

“uh, no,” mark says. “my mum called me and i didn’t have time to- and my outfit is a mess, anyway, so-”

jaehyun, who has been staring at mark’s legs in his jeans since he sat down, says, “you look very nice.”

three months of seeing mark only in suits hadn’t prepared jaehyun for anything else. it makes jaehyun want to implement a casual-clothes-only policy in the office.

mark’s still blushing when he looks jaehyun in the eye and says, “so do you.”

spluttering, jaehyun says incredulously, “i’m wearing the same thing i was earlier.”

the way mark shrugs, with the side of his mouth quirked up and an almost imperceptible glance up and down jaehyun’s body, renders jaehyun speechless, enough so that a minute later mark has to nudge jaehyun and tell him it’s their stop.

jaehyun does as he’s told.

 

they get separated as soon as they enter the building, jaehyun pulled away by higher-ups and mark by a woman jaehyun doesn’t know but who mark smiles at in greeting. even while talking about budgets and cutbacks and extensions, jaehyun can’t stop thinking about him.

he grabs a flute of champagne as soon as there’s a tray within reach, downing it and ignoring that he had decided not to drink.

it’s maybe an hour into the party - he’s lost track of time because he hates these things with a passion - that jaehyun sees mark again. he had been able to smell mark the entire time, even through the clouds of people using colognes and perfumes and enhancers, but seeing him settles something in jaehyun that he can’t name.

mark is chatting to a group of people, grinning and slapping his leg when he laughs and almost spilling his drink. jaehyun wants nothing more than to go over there and feel like he belongs. he wants to wrap an arm around mark's waist and join in with whatever conversation he's having and get to watch mark laugh up close. he wants to be around mark, and he wants to feel like it's okay to want, and he wants to not be afraid that someone will realise what he wants.

loosening his tie, jaehyun throws back the last of his drink and takes refuge in the nearest bathroom. it's quiet, enough so that jaehyun doesn't feel too embarrassed about the way he splashes water over his face and hops up onto the counter. he catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror and grimaces.

he's just thinking about how to leave the party without seeming rude when a voice calls out, "sir?"

jaehyun has to work hard to repress his annoyance, answering in what he hopes is an even tone, "i told you, don't call me that when we aren't at work."

mark's head pops around the door, and he looks like he wants to make a joke about how they are, technically, still at work, but then he sees jaehyun and his mouth snaps shut.

"are you okay?" mark asks instead, closing the door softly behind him and stepping closer to jaehyun. "i saw you walk off, and you seemed..."

"seemed what?" jaehyun sighs, swinging his legs back and forth and not breathing in through his nose.

"you seemed sad," mark says, and then, very suddenly, he's taking two large steps until he's filling the empty space in front of jaehyun.

jaehyun stills instantly, and mark puts his hands on jaehyun's thighs.

"what are you doing?" jaehyun just about manages to choke out, quietly because mark is so close and not moving away.

mark's lip is caught between his teeth, and his eyes are wide, and his eyelashes are casting shadows on his cheeks, and he says, "you smell really good."

brain grinding to a halt, jaehyun says hoarsely, "i'm an alpha."

"i know. i know, i just -" mark says, and it might be jaehyun's imagination but mark sounds just as desperate as jaehyun knows he himself did.

and time might be moving weirdly because then mark's face is pressed into jaehyun's throat and his lips are on jaehyun's collarbone and his hands are still resting on jaehyun's thighs and it's so much all at once and jaehyun can feel it when mark inhales, can hear his pleased exhale and smell the shift in mark's scent.

"mark," jaehyun says, ignoring that his voice cracks. "are you messing with me?"

"no," mark answers in an instant, far faster than jaehyun had expected from him, from an alpha who doesn't appear to have done this before.

jaehyun has no idea what they're doing. he knows they shouldn't be. he knows what has happened to him before because of things like this.

"fuck it," he breathes, and his hands come up to hold mark's face as he presses their lips together.

the way mark's hands tighten on jaehyun's thighs is enough to make him groan, and mark is nowhere near as hesitant as jaehyun because he laughs, a pleased little snort against jaehyun's mouth, and kisses him harder.

it's probably as close to a religious experience as jaehyun is ever going to get.

he wants so badly to do what he's always heard alphas brag about (take mark home, kiss him until their lips split, do things to him, with him-) but those alphas are doing this with omegas, and mark most definitely isn't an omega, and jaehyun pulls away with a start.

“are you okay?” mark asks immediately, hands a lot higher up than they were with a look of pure innocence on his face.

"we need to go somewhere else," jaehyun whispers, urgency setting in when he realises that the door doesn't have a lock and that the only reason they haven't yet been interrupted is luck.

it seems like everything hits mark at once: he backs away, swears under his breath, and says shakily, "come to mine."

it's not really a question so jaehyun doesn't answer. he slides off the bathroom counter, tucking his shirt back in and smoothing out his hair, and proceeds to lead mark through the party with so much faked nonchalance that his jaw aches.

everyone tries to stop him and say hello and jaehyun pulls out his best bullshit excuses, bowing non-stop and never slowing down enough for anyone to actually speak to him.

once they emerge out onto the street, mark looks like he's been pulled through a hurricane. he stares at jaehyun in awe, and says, "you need to teach me how to do that."

it's so ridiculously cute that jaehyun wants to kiss him again, but he doesn't know if that's okay and even if it was it wouldn't be on the street, so he settles for walking towards the train station in silence and trying to get his nerves back under his control.

neither of them speak the entire time, and it's awkward and unsettling and jaehyun is about to vibrate out of his skin until mark's hand slides out of his pocket and into jaehyun's hand, resting on the gap between their seats, hidden by their coats but enough to have jaehyun feeling less like he's about to cry.

mark's hand in his stops jaehyun from running away when they get to his stop, and their hands only separate when mark says quietly, "it's mine next," and they stand up to exit.

mark lives only a few minutes walk from the platform, in an apartment building with red bricks and black iron balcony railings. he tells jaehyun his roommate is out as they climb the stairs up to the third floor, and jaehyun does his best to stay calm as he toes his shoes off and stands in the tiny kitchen of mark's flat.

"would you like some coffee?" mark asks, throwing his blazer over the back of a chair.

"no, thank you. do you like me?" jaehyun says. he feels out of place, standing in his suit and socks in a kitchen at 11pm.

"i'm gonna make some anyway. and, yeah. i do."

"i wouldn't mind some water if that's okay, actually. you don't mind that we're both alphas?"

"i'll get you a glass," mark's sweater rides up a little as he does so, and jaehyun swallows. "and... i don't know. i haven't done this before. but i know i like you."

"is it that simple?" jaehyun asks, voice breaking.

mark freezes where he's fiddling with the coffee machine, and turns to face jaehyun. he looks tired, and worn out, and beautiful. "it can be, can't it?"

jaehyun thinks about every alpha he's ever been with. he thinks about the way they would look at him after they had gotten what they wanted. he thinks about his parents.

there's so much more to it than just the two of them. it's something jaehyun has been trying to accept his entire life, something that mark is clearly only now realising, and there is a stupid amount of things they need to talk about, but jaehyun is so tired, and he doesn't want to be anything other than what he is but he does wish it was as easy for them as it is for everyone else.

 

he looks at mark, and he sees everything that he's been missing for a long time.

so he says, "yeah. maybe."

**Author's Note:**

> this has been such a long time coming ;; i've been writing it since july, scrapped it entirely (it used to be SO different - it wasn't even this pairing at first) and then the regular teasers came out and i came back to it and redid it all and now it's three times longer and full of angst and i really really hope you enjoyed it!!! :+]


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